I was brave! (sort of)

It's a nice day here, so I thought on my lunch break I'd mow the lawn. We keep the mowers in the big garage with the tractor, and there are big sliding doors that open. It's dark in the garage and there are always black crickets milling around in there, so I'm always a bit creeped out when I'm in the garage.

When I got to the big sliding garage door and went to open it, I saw the legs and body of a VERY LARGE spider in an area of the door that's down near the ground where the light comes through the door. And when I say VERY LARGE... I mean HUGE! Thick legs, big abdomen -- I was convinced it was a tarantula. It had to be. It was too big to be anything else!

Alan keeps some poison in the utility room, so I ran to get it. There was NO WAY I was letting that spider run wild around the farm. ACK! I don't like killing things, but come ON!
**creep out moment!**

When I got back to the garage with the poison the spider was still on the door. I was kind of grateful and kind of freaked out at the same time. If it hadn't been there, no telling WHERE it would have gone and I wouldn't have been able to go in the garage again for months. But, knowing it was there and knowing that I was about to spray it with poison, I was freaking out about what it might do. I chose a path to run from it, if I needed to run.

I shook the can, aimed, sprayed, and the poison hit the spider. Nothing. It didn't even budge. So I sprayed it again. Nothing. Hmm... I read the can -- yup, it was poison and should have done the job. But oh MAN... it didn't even move! That meant I was going to have to move HIM! 
*creep out moment!**

There is a rack for garden tools next to the door so I grabbed a pitch fork, and again chose my path for running from it if I needed to. I poked it with the pitch fork. Nothing. So I poked it again.

OMG!! It moved, and it fell to the ground!!

I think my scream is still echoing in the garage...and my foot miraculously missed being skewered by the pitch fork. I regained control and then got to looking at it laying there on the ground, not moving. And that's when I realized it was a *bleep bleepin' bleep* PLASTIC SPIDER!!!

All I can say now, is SOMEONE IS IN SOME SERIOUS TROUBLE!!

Edited to Add: Later, I told Alan I thought I saw a tarantula in the garage. He said "the plastic one in the garage door?"  Uh..YES! He said it was there when he bought the farm. ...hmm...

I'm still traumatized.
But the lawn is mowed.
And I need a martini.
Maybe three.

Comments

[Deanna (Dee)]

Oh my gosh...I am still laughing...read this to my hubby...we are both rolling with laughter...this is a great story...love how you wrote it...thanks for the belly laugh Anna..now you need to draw a spider with big thick legs and abdomen...that would be the highlight. A Whimsical spider...too funny! Hugs, Dee

[cassie]

OMG!! I'm so glad you linked to this again - I wasn't reading your blog when you first posted it - totally laughed out loud! I can so identify with you. I personally would have been praying that it still be there so I would *know* that I would be able to kill it. I won't take my eye off a spider while I yell for hubby to come kill it. My mom used to ask me what I was going to do when I "grew up" and there was a spider in my babies crib?!?! Yuck! I told her I'd grab the baby and call her!!!

[cHRIS]

You have such a gift of storytelling..I was on the edge of my seat..I would have been freaking out too..OMG a plastic spider...YUP someone is definetly in T_R_O_U_B_L_E!!!!!!

[Cindy Lyles]

I am laughing so hard I am crying!!! aha ha ahaaaaaa haha haaaaa!!!!! Yup - he owes you big time for not moving it and I'm having a martini after having read this... :) DEATH TO ALL SPIDERS!!!! LOL ~

[Vera]

That was so flippin' funny. I feel your pain on that one. I can handle a lot of bugs, but spiders are creepy!

[Ida]

Anna, Thank you so much for one of the best laughs I've had all week! What a funny story. I can so relate as I'm scared to death of spiders myself. I can just picture you pitchfork in hand braving that humongous spider & then to discover it was only "plasitc" ...What a great memory. You need to make a card to showcase that story. Ida

[Juanita]

I could visualize everything you wrote about!!! What a W O N D E R F U L and
S C A R Y story!!! You have such a
F A N T A S T I C sense of humor!! I laughed until I cried. TFS

[kayjaydee (Kelli Doubek)]

you kill me. you just kill me. What a great, amazingly entertaining post. I laughed, I cried, it was the feel good blog-post of the summer.

Thanks for the Monday morning smile. I love your blog.

-k-

[janice]

WOW! i would have said *beep* the lawn and left. i admire your courage. now that you have practiced on the plastic species, you can try the real ones. {grin}
thanks for a great laugh(sorry it was at your expense!)
jan

[Dawn]

OMG!!! This is friggin' hilarious!! Even funnier along with all the emoticons....LOL!! Thanks for the VERY hearty laugh:)
Dawn

[Val]

Thanks for the mother's day chuckle, well, out loud belly laugh is more like it!

[tgrdina]

This is too funny!!!! My husband put a life-size deer decoy in our yard once...had me totally convinced it was real!! I was SURE I saw that thing moving!!! Too funny!

[kathynruss]

That was so funny! My Russel knows when I've come across a spider by the pitch of my shriek and he comes running to deal with it. There was a wolf spider in our bathroom glass one morning (I don't even want to know how he got there!) and Russel put an envelope over the glass, took it outside and flung it. The house got bombed the next day! Tried to paste your little run for the hills guy in here, but it didn't work.

[Aud]

OMG! This was such a funny story! I understand how you felt when you had to deal with the monster, I HATE spiders too!

So, when are you getting some glasses? ;o)

BTW - thanks for stopping by the blog candy post at my Aud Design blog! :o)

[Sheila Powell]

This story is great--to bad you didn't get it on video you could have sent it in to
America's Funniest home video's and definitely won the big prize!! Thanks for the laugh!!

[Diane Z. (cookiestamper)]

hee hee hee.....thanks for the chuckle! (you are braver than I) ;0)

[Charlene Austin]

Serioulsy the funniest thing I have ever read!!!!!

[Ruth]

This is too funny! It's exactly what I would've done. I HATE spiders with a passion. Yuck!!! Glad it turned out to be plastic but I think the hairs on the back of my neck would still be standing up!
Ruth A.

[KayellWY]

LMBO!! This story is SO funny!! It was "visual" from beginning to end, probably because I'm afraid of spiders too. LOL!! You really should submit this story to Reader's Digest. Oh dear! I can just imagine!! Great story!

[~liz]

That little emoticon "run for the hills" is super cute too.

[Christina]

Sorry, but your story and the smileys..it was wonderful to read and I think that you feel better after 3 martinis ... :-D

[BethN]

I don't know what was the funniest: the way you told your story, the cartoon characters you used -- in particular that "run for the hills guy" -- or the fact that it was a fake spider -- and there for a very long time and you just finding it. Thanks for the laughs. ha ha ha ha ha

[Sheryl]

Anna, You gave me the biggest laugh I've had in a looonnggg time . . . because that absolutely could have been me telling that story! I've been scared to death of spiders since I was a teenager, and as I've gotten older, the hysteria has lessened, but the innate fear is still there. We live in an area and climate which is very favorable for BLACK WIDOWS, which we often find "hanging around" in their webs around the house and yard. Needless to say, I always get my husband to kill them (and spray) because I'm too afraid to stomp on them myself! I have gotten to the point where I can get a broomstick and smash them, but still, it's a hair raising experience when you get face-to -face with a widow!

[Colleen]

OMG...someone might just have to die for a trick like that... I totally know what you mean. I am NOT a spider person...hate them...with a passion. So when we moved to Olkahoma and people said there were lots of spiders I was not happy. We have spiders EVERYWHERE...inside..outside...I probably kill at least three a day inside my brand new home! Uuurgh. But the kicker is when I found a hole outside in the yard. The puppy was sniffing around at it and I bent down to look. Hmmm, I didn't realize we had a sprinker head here...(there was a tennis ball sized hole) A DUH moment came when I stuck my finger almost into the hole (to check the sprinkler head) and something moved...I thought...oh, a mouse or something...well, it was something! A taranchula!!! A BIG one...it slowly creeped out and its legs were as thick as my fingers....all bristly with black hair....I screamed and ran for the house. The poor puppy got dragged along behind me on the leash...when my hubby came home I told him to put a stick down the hole and kill it...we shoved a broom handle WAAAAAY down into it and came up empty...no bug guts! So I filled the hole in and put lots of rocks into it to bury the bugger...(no poison to be had here) and guess what...a few days later, the rocks were pushed out!!!! It is still here!!!! AAAAKkk...I won't go out in our backyard AT ALL anymore. Gives me the heebie jeebies!

I feel your pain...

[kim lenhart]

ditto ditto ditto...I hate freakin' spiders they totally creep me out!!(in my best valley girl accent) I was shuddering just at the thought of you goin' in there. I think you should've skipped the lawn and started on the tini's!!:o)

[Leigh]

Okay...I see that I'm not the only one who got a good giggle from this story! I'm the same way about spiders. I think that's one of the reasons that I would NEVER move to the southwest....freakin' giant spiders...and then there's the snakes...and scorpions! EEEEEEEEKKKKKK!

[Tina]

OMG I HATE them too!!! I always see one when there is NOTHING around to kill it with . . . usually shoeless or naked getting in the shower. My family KNOWS when I scream SHOE! they better come running!!! I have been bitten twice and both times on my butt . . . ouch! but you made me laugh AND look around to make sure there is none in my room. lmao!!! oh and Alan would of bought the farm AGAIN!!! snort !!!

[Linda (LSN on SCS)]

Thanks for the morning laugh Anna! I kept slowly scrolling down for fear that I would see a picture of it (still have the heebie jeebies from your last spider pic)! Sounds like your man has a twisted sense of humor! :-)

Linda

[Claudia Rosa]

oh my god anna.... like the others iam laughing so much right now...

you are one talented woman... the way you are writing is just awesome you get really pulled through the story.

alan, is really in serious trouble!! :-)

[Susanna]

I'm terrified of spiders and I was on the edge of my seat while I read your story. I didn't even laugh when it was over, I felt relief and the need for a glass of wine and a shot of tequila!

I still remember when I was little, my mom saw a snake on our play-set slide. She ended up getting a neighbor to come and kill it. He threw bricks at it before coming after it with a shovel. It turned out to be rubber -- it was my brothers!

[Chrissy]

Too funny!!! I'm terrified of those things myself.
I plan to link this post in my blog for one of my readers. She'll appreciate it. I may even share my real life spider story...
www.watercolorgarden.blogspot.com
Love your blog btw...

[CherylQuilts]

What a story! Really had me on the edge of my seat!! LOL! I agree with you about spiders...and other crawly things! LOL!

[Bagpuss]

That is hilarious!!!! Going to send the link to one of my arachnaphobe friends! :)

[Sharon Harnist]

OMG -- you think he could have told you about that silly spider before NOW?!! So did you admit to Alan that it is definitely dead NOW? LOL! Have as many 'tinis as you want, girl!

[tracy f]

Okay,I know that must have been really scary for you, but it sure gave me a good chuckle! (smiley icons included!) =) I freak out at big spiders too, so I shouldn't be laughing! ;)

[Emily]

BLEH!! I would have died!!!

My boys have a plastic spider that looks real which they like to hide in the house! They've gotten me good a few times.

*shivers*

[Jan Scholl]

I have no plblem with bugs-its snakes that creep me out. My cats were playing with a june bug tonight and were very disappointed when I scooped it up and returned it to the wild. When i started reading this, I thought it was gonna be the lawnmower was giving you fits-like ours is. I just dont want to pay 1500 for a new one right now.

[diane mcvey]

Oh gosh, I am SO glad you didn't impale your foot with the pitchfork! (I've done it)...and I would have freaked too, seeing a gigantic spider! ACK!!!! My hubby would have been in serious trouble, he might find that thing under his pillow one night...hehe...if he knew it was there, then he should have "killed" it long ago!!! Too funny, I absolutely love your blog and all the critter stories! Kimberly is beautiful, and I wish her peace...I'm glad she likes her yummy food!
Have a great weekend...

[Deb]

Anna, your story made me laugh (so sorry)! I would have been screaming too! You are much braver than I would have been.

[Britiney]

HA! I laughed out loud! I too HATE HATE HATE spiders. Last time I found one in my craft room my DH had to spray the entire house! I seriously would have P'dIMP!! Thanks for sharing such a great story - your smileys made it all that much better. I think *I* need a martini after reading it!!

[AmyR]

OMGosh Anna you poor thing!!! You WERE brave - I would have run screaming for the hills at the first sight of it and never looked back - now I have the creepy crawlies (and I was sooooo worried you were gonna post a pic like last time LOL!!!!)

[Leslie Springer]

Oh My!! I am Laughing soooo Hard!! Thank you!!! Hope the martini Helped you out! Just remember....we are laughing with you ...not at you! SMILE!!!

[Anette Eakins]

OH MY GOSH!! My stomach hurts from laughing so hard!!!Anna, your spider tales are just too funny!
I guess living in Minnesota(and before that Illinois, Ohio, Michigan and Wisconsin- all states with cold Winters) has it's advantages. Every Winter I ask my husband: "Hon, why can't we live somewhere where it is warm all the time? I'm tired of freezing my butt off every Winter for months on end!" And the no-fail reply is always:"Honey, you know those little spiders that crawl around in the Springtime in the house, which make you scream? Well, in the places where it is warm all the time, the bugs and spiders are much bigger and uglier and you would not like them at all!"
I better go do a spider check right now. The other day I was sitting at my desk working on a card and this little ugly green spider had the nerve to come running out from behind my pen holder, running across my card in progress. I about fainted and the thing was only as big as a pencil eraser. Now when I sit down at my desk I have to do a spider check first by moving around the various containers on my desk.
Have a good (hopefully spider-less!)weekend!
Anette (snowmom13)

[~liz]

Ok so if that had been me I would have probably been skewered by the pitchfork. Too funny. Thanks for the laugh. I don't know about you but my eyes are goin and it is very easy to do something like this. Optical illusions.

[Lynda]

YOU are too funny! I have been known to leave MY house when a wild creature (wasps, snakes, bees, mice etc.). My attitude is "fine, if you are staying, I am leaving". Your courage was admirable!! LOL
Lynda

[Lori Craig]

How funny! Ummmm, you don't think Alan is going to put you on funniest home videos do you?

[aileen (inkydiva cards)]

OMIGOD! That is freakin' hilarious! I'm trying to picture you running for the hills!:) Thanks for sharing...you made my night!

[trudee]

ROTFLMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! OMG Anna...bwhahahahahahaha that is sooooo FUNNY!!!!

[Elizabeth]

Oh my goodness, what a story! First I was so scared for you, then got to laughing so hard. And those yellow guys were so PERFECT for the story - each and every one of them!

Thanks for a "smile still on my face" story.

[Sherri]

This was great! I can SOOO relate...I'm glad you survived.

[Barbra1224]

HAHAHAHAHA!! This is fabulously funny! Thank you for the smile!!!

[Michelle (MilwaukeeMommy)]

OMG, I've never laughed so hard.....well, at least not since your last icky critter story. LOL ~~~ I seriously think I peed in my undies reading that!!!

[Kim/Kauai17]

ROTFLMAO!!!! OMG that is hysterical. I so needed that laugh today so thanks for sharing!!!

[jadell13]

That is HILARIOUS!!! Thanks for sharing such a tramatic moment! We all got a laugh. But, I must admit, the hair on my arms stood up when I was reading it. :) YUCK! :)

[Viv (VivLyn)]

What a story!! I'm still laughing!!

[Tami McBeain (tmarie)]

Bawwwaahhh! OMG, I was totally freaking out with you just hearing the story! I HATE spiders and crickets! Good job on being brave...now go enjoy your martini!

[emilymomto3boys]

DUDE! I am right there with you and I'd have been freaking from the moment I saw it. I commend you for being brave and attempting to kill it yourself! You definitely deserve at least 3 martinis. And some chocolate.

[Michelle Wooderson]

Ha ha, I bout spewed my afternoon margi! I just got done mowing also!! Oh, the life on the farm! I have to say, I love your stories. I grew up a farm girl and have since moved back to the country after 12 years in the city. I love it!! Can't wait to hear your snake stories!

[Melissa Banian (SCS: stampin_melissa)]

OMG! I was sitting here *creeped out* with ya! *shivers at the thought* Yuck! I HATE spiders! Do you believe him that it has been there since he bought the farm?????

[Elizabeth]

Dear Miss Daisy. I want to thank you for the huge laugh I just had. To tell you the truth.. i wouldn't have been able to mow the lawn after the incident!

enjoy your tinis!
Liz

[Chris Hauck]

Oh my gosh I could totally see myself doing the very same thing. I was right there with you. So glad to know that it's only plastic though. And ultimately you didn't even have to kill anything.
For a minute there I thought you were going to have a picture of that nasty fella. I'm not sure I would have been able to look anyway for fear I would have nightmares for weeks.
Have a great weekend!
Chris